Gender non-conforming – What does it all mean?

Since early 2019, I’ve been thinking about “coming out” as non-binary (aka. enby) to my family and friends. However, I’ve kept this announcement on the backburner because I was still in doubt.

Granted, I don’t think many people would think of this as a big deal. I did a kind of “test run” on a few friends last year, and have discussed it a few times with my SO. I was still on the fence…

I considered asking people to use they/them as my pronouns, but it still didn’t sit right. The concept stewed in my mind for months.

“Girl” Doesn’t Feel Right

I have always felt great discomfort being called “girl”. For a few reasons:

  1. Mostly because in my mind’s understanding, a girl is an immature or not fully grown woman. To call me a “girl” makes me feel like I don’t deserve the wisdom and maturity I’ve gained as a woman.
  2. Depending on the context, “girl” implies inferiority (to men or older women), subordination, submission. Phrases like “Be a good girl”, “I’ll get one of the girls to do it,” have always felt uncomfortable when I am the subject of that sentence.
  3. “Girl” is associated with all things feminine: Makeup, high heels, flowers pretty, dresses, pretty things. These are all things I abhor!
  4. Girls exist to be looked at and admired for their beauty. It’s always given me great discomfort when I walk into a room and the things people must complement me on is how good my dress* or jewelry is. 😐 Please no. Can we not discuss my accomplishments instead?

Therefore, I feel I am as far removed from the concept of “girl” as I can be… without being a “boy”.

* Yeah I wear dresses sometimes.

What About Male Then?

If I’m not a girl, then I don’t think this should make me a boy.

As much as I don’t feel like an overly feminine person… I don’t really feel all that masculine. In other words, I don’t think I’d make a particularly good man, even if I wanted to be.

I’ve reflected on how I think and speak. To me, it feels like I think and speak from a feminine brain.

Non Binary? Agender?

After doing further exploration, even though people might say otherwise, I feel like “non-binary” genders and pronouns aren’t right for me. In my view, best fit those who are going through some kind of transition. They may or may not be going through a 1:1 change from male to female, female to male. They may be selectively transforming parts of their body, face, or just their wardrobe.

This isn’t to say there is a right or wrong way to classify someone as “non-binary”. If you want to call yourself non-binary and not alter your physical body, that’s okay. Also, if you’re in some transition state between woman to man, but don’t want to say you’re non-binary, there ain’t nothing wrong with that either.

But at the moment if I say, “I don’t totally feel like a girl, so please refer to me as they” might carry implication that I am… or am about to… start altering my physical body. Which I am not.

The Aesthetic

I don’t have very many recent photos of me on the public internet. But lately I have been getting my hair cut really short. Like short to the point where parts of it are buzzed off. I find this really comfortable and much happier than other hairstyles I’ve tried.

Additionally I also like to wear jeans, t-shirts and button-up shirts – all things you typically see on males. If you saw me on the street, one might mistake me as a lesbian. (Because lesbians have a specific aesthetic only they can access? Ah, here’s a rant for another day…)

The Conclusion

Basically the whole gender spectrum and working out where you are is confusing. If somehow you’ve stumbled upon this post via Google search or related links somewhere, I don’t blame you if you’re confused too.

I like to think that we live in a society where people can feel free to identify as they wish. However, it also seems like there are just as many people who don’t agree with the concept of more than two genders. 🤷‍♀️ I feel as though this is an ever-evolving topic that will continue to change as human society evolves.

So to conclude, I think the best way to classify my gender is non-conforming female. I think I still have enough “feminine” traits, such as being quite feely, wanting to care for people, etc.

TL;DR consider me a non-conforming female.

Just please, don’t call me a girl. 😊 Or doll, for that matter…

I’m not your pretty thing to be looked at! Ironically, I’m sure that Lola Bunny is the subject of a lot of pin-up fan art… Probably. I’m not gonna look. 😕 Just let her be a feminist symbol in my head, okay?
Source: NeatoShop | Day of the Shirt

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Cover photo by Tim Mossholder from Pexels

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