Dear diary

Hey!

I’m writing this now (it’s nearly 11pm and I should be asleep), because I crave human interaction. In lieu of that, I’m writing this post.

I really wish I had a best friend I could catch up with once a month for coffee, and just talk away about all kinds of things. (Well, I do have Tom, but it wouldn’t be good for our relationship if our only human interaction was with each other.) So, internet… I hope you’ll do instead.

If you know me well, you know I change my mind a lot.

It feels like it wasn’t a long time ago, September last year, I wrote about being gender non-conforming.

In my mind, I have been waffling about defining my gender identity. Like I know I don’t feel comfortable categorised as “girl” or “woman”. (Also, I don’t in any way feel like I was born with the wrong body, and want to become a man.)

Right now, I feel like “agender” is almost a good fit… but truly I think it would prefer to label myself (if labels were mandatory) as simply “gender indeterminate”, or “genderqueer”. I’m sure it’s okay for ones own gender identity to be unknown.

And also… like I really do want to “come out”. I’ve told a few friends that I don’t fit the binary, but nothing more specific than that. Tom knows I’m non-binary, but I still allow him to refer to me as his girlfriend. (As I’m not feeling quite comfortable with “enbyfriend”. But also, I refer to him in the gender neutral term, “partner”, which he doesn’t like to use when speaking about me… 🤷 )

To everyone else, it seems easy and convenient to play it safe. It feels like too much effort to explain myself to people who have only ever known of two genders.

Besides, it was kind of always my hope that people would “get” my gender by my dress style, lack of interest in makeup, manicures, etc.

On the other hand, the discomfort I feel when people ask why I’m not wearing makeup… that I look good in makeup… when I get called lady, girl, or hun… I’ve come to realise all of that is people misgendering me.

On top of that… I don’t really feel prepared… not just to explain what non-binary means, but to deal with… “it’s a phase”, “it’s a hormone problem”, “so you want to be a man?” etc.

Okay, but now that I’ve written all that out… it also sounds like anxiety.

I want to say more, but I really should be getting to bed.

To summarise, I’m pretty sure I don’t feel connected to gender, I have no issues with being biologically female, and I don’t know what it means for my sexuality. I can’t be “straight” if I’m not a woman, can I? 🤷 I’m attracted to masculine-presenting people… I know that much.


Also, I want to amend what I said in my previous post. I said I would be trying the NuvaRing. However, after some further research, I see that it has killed some women… so uh, yeah that’s uh… not reassuring. So instead I’m going to go on the pill as soon as I can. 🙂

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